First, poverty. Of course I'm all about eradicating it, but my friend and I happened across an interesting situation yesterday... You see, my friend and I are big fans of good pizza. We ordered three (3) large pizzas (don't ask me why; my friend's a glutton), and went to pick them up. In the parking lot, we were approached by two overweight Latina women in an older car. Though I couldn't hear the conversation, I was told the gist: these women were asking us for food to give to them and their children.... Long story.
In the end, we gave them 4 pieces of our pizza, though I am mad at myself for scowling about it beforehand. (Should people who are begging really be obese? Do they really need the food so much if their bodies are overweight? My friend joked that back when poverty was more visible, the beggars were haggard, pallid, and skinny. No longer!) Anyway, there was a time when I gave all I could in a loving and kind way; now I gripe about it. I think the paradigm shift came when I started working a *real* job and started paying off some *real* college/credit card debt. Then, my attitude drastically changed: Why should I work my butt off (and still have a negative net worth) and give it to people who do little (if anything) to better their situation? I mean, really... how can we justify our horribly flawed welfare system? Sigh. I used to feel entirely different about this, but now I fear I'm becoming... Republican.
Next, attachment. Buddhism purports that attachment to worldly things/people/ideas is dangerous; freedom is only truly obtained from releasing all that you try so desperately to have. Of course, being an American AND a woman, I am the ultimate victim of attachment (attachment to significant others, friends, family members, animals, objects, etc.). I find something good (namely a good or even reasonable relationship), and I want to keep it. I want someone to claim me, saying, "Yes, I want you. YOU! There is so much that you offer that I want, and I want you to surround me for as long as humanly possible with it." or something... I haven't really come up with a way to express it well yet.
Now, the problem with attachment is that I think I'm still confusing it with love. (As an aside, I found some images of "love" that I am going to share...)
1.) The optimistic side (courtesy of affirmagy.com):
(If you can't read it, click on the picture for a larger image.)
2.) The painful side (courtesy of explodingdog.com):
(Caption from the site: "I love you this much.")
3.) What I yearn for (explodingdog.com again):
(Caption from the site: "I'm ready to face the world with you."
4.) How I seem to feel quite frequently (you guessed it: explodingdog!):
("We were so different, yet so in love.")
Right. Anyway, I've met two incredible people this past year. (Well, more, but the particular rant at the moment only pertains to two men.) One, we'll call him "Slug," and I grew very attached to one another. So much so that we called it "love." (What "love" is, exactly, is clearly anyone's guess.) This attachment, even though I knew the end result would be separation, caused me to feel that maybe some major differences could be looked over in the name of love. Not so much.
Enter guy two: "Barley." Barley and I got along famously, and thoroughly enjoyed one another's company. We were (and still are) hiking buddies, backpacking buddies, and so forth. It is known, though, that Barley will be leaving in about 3 months to follow a successful and lucrative career. While I am upset about this, I know it only stems from attachment; if I truly cared about the lad, I would rejoice in the bright future ahead of him.
Both of these stories boil down to attachment. I wanted to be with Slug and Barley (at separate points) so much that I was willing to forfeit some of my own personality. Not healthy, nor what I truly want. While I am still heartbroken over both situations, there is a light at the end of the tunnel: This is my time to really work on myself, who I am, and what I want. I have very few responsibilities at this point in my life, and I wish to take full advantage of that fact.
Oh, dear... I feel like these ramblings aren't very coherent, and I'm past my bedtime. Thus, nonexistent readers, I bid you adieu for now. Perhaps someday I'll be better at this whole blogging business. Good night!
Also (and this is on 8.13.07), I'm posting a pic on my oldest entry, so that I can use it as a profile pic. (Long story.) Peace!
1 comment:
"Slug" and "Barley". Well played, Issima. Well played.
Found your new blog. Mwaha, and all. Hurrah, thoughts.
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