"Dear John"

"Dear Nic,

I'm writing you a letter that I may never send. You see, I can't have any contact with you right now. When I said goodbye, I meant it. But there are times when the thought of you is overwhelming. And so I think it will help for me to be completely honest with myself.

I must confess that I became dependent on you. I believed that I could not bear to feel my loneliness. Instead, I always turned to you. And with you around, I never did anything about it. I didn't bother to reach out to others, to develop more healthy relationships. I got wrapped up in my own little world, just you and me and my fantasies that things would get better some day.

But the truth is, things didn't get better, because I lost touch with my real feelings. I had nothing to motivate me.

You seemed to satisfy all of my desires.

Now I realize that I gave away my power to you. I convinced myself that you held the solution to all of my problems. In fact, I went into denial. My perceptions of reality became distorted. I confused quenching the uncomfortable feelings with actually dealing with the source of them and taking action on my own behalf.

I am taking this power back now. I am learning how to accept my feelings. I am learning how to face reality without you.

And I see you for what you really are. A false friend. One who would take my very life force away from me. One who will abandon me in the end, no matter how long I try to hang on to you. It's a harsh thing to say, but that is not nearly as harsh as the toll you have taken on my health.

I am glad to finally feel the anger that I used to suppress about our relationship. I've been through the terror of losing you and the agonies of withdrawal and I'm stronger for it. I've accepted that I might have moments of confusion and self-doubt, and learned that they don't mean that I have to go back to you.

Now that I've finally gotten you out of my system, I have a choice. And I exercise that choice with pride and reverence. I never want to take my freedom for granted. So, like the song says:

Go, walk out the door
Just turn around now,
'Cause you're not welcome anymore...
I will survive!"

=====

This letter is from a former smoker to her "false friend," Nic(otine). I think it's very well-written, and definitely drives certain points home.

I attended my first ever smoking cessation class last night, and it was awesome! :) The facilitator is a hypnotherapist, and is absolutely fantastic. A non-smoker herself, she was able to convince the class that she was, in fact, a good person to teach the class. (This is her fourth year conducting the group, and she's helped smokers in her practice for about 20 years now.)

A total of 19 smokers showed up last night, and it was fascinating. While the first night is just paperwork and introductions, it provided me great insight into these people's experiences. When I was younger, I used to think that smokers were "bad" people because their "selfishness" hurt those around them. Now I see that that's not the case. These are normal, everyday people who happened to make a few bad choices and now are battling an addiction.

During the introduction, everyone was to say his/her name, how long s/he had been smoking (and how much is smoked per day), potential barriers to quitting, reason(s) to quit, and his/her motivation (on a scale of 1-10) to quit. Of the 19 people, 5 were at a "10" for their dedication to quit. There were 13 females and 6 males altogether. Almost all of them had been smoking for about 30 years. (The two exceptions were two gals under 35. One started smoking in high school, and the other when she was 12.)

Reasons to quit were numerous, but there were some popular answers... diseases/illness/doctor mandate, smell on clothes, expense, lack of social acceptance, lack of community of smokers, feeling helpless, having children, other problems exacerbated by smoking, new smokefree laws, and so forth.

The most popular potential roadblocks to quitting were: stress, mornings (especially when first getting out of bed), coffee, alcohol, and the nighttime ritual of smoking.

A lot of people said they don't even *like* smoking anymore; they do it sheerly out of habit/addiction. It was really fascinating, and I'm excited to attend the next classes.

When we went around introducing ourselves, I had to "out" myself as a non-smoker. I explained that I work for the Health Department, and I was there to learn the ropes from the current facilitator. I said (honestly) that I wished I *had* been a smoker at one point, just so I could know what these people were enduring.

At the end of the class, I had a dialogue with the woman sitting next to me. She's on her 3rd attempt to quit (which is really common; few people are able to stay quit their first time). She said that she had joined the Navy and was given cigarettes continuously, for free, from the Service. Additionally, I learned, smokers were often given breaks, where non-smokers weren't. It seems our lovely military must've cut some sort of deal with Big Tobacco to addict servicepeople by the hundreds. It worked.

Anyway, I'm just astounded at what I've learned. I'm just now starting to understand the true nature of addiction. Seeing it firsthand (but not personally) sure helps!