A shocking realization...

Brace yourself, kids... I was sitting down at work today, looking at my first homework assignment for my personal finance class. We had to create three lists: "Why I want to learn how to manage my finances better," "The Positive Things in my Life," and "Rewards for Reaching Goals [that DON'T include spending money]." Wow. So I've completely finished the first two lists, easily and quickly. I like to think of myself as a generally happy, appreciative person. While I was working on the second list ("Positive Things"), I realized something...

I'm happy.

Like, I'm very happy with my life. I have nothing to complain about, no real stresses. This hasn't happened in a long time (especially with teaching last year). Here's my list (in no real order):

The Positive Things in my Life:

1.) My health (solid, good, improving)
2.) My family (loving, supportive, kind, thoughtful)
3.) My desire to learn (about people, various aspects of life, etc.)
4.) My relationship (loving, fun, respectful, fulfilling)
5.) My living situation (me & cool roommate in a cute, affordable house)
6.) My job (low-stress, interesting, great coworkers)
7.) My friends (supportive, fun, thoughtful, kind)
8.) My education (Master of Education, teacher certification, etc.)
9.) My desire to better the world (through job, volunteering, & donating)
10.) My life in general (no real complaints!) :)

Yay!! So yeah, the idea of happiness has been sneaking up on me lately, but now it's nearly full-fledged. I'm. Happy.

Last night, after class (which got out over an hour early), I went for a drive to a nearby little town. I was struck by a gorgeous (albeit freaky) moonrise over the mountains, so I had to pull off somewhere and enjoy it. The moon was pretty low & orange, so it looked like a night sun. Eerie, but fascinating and beautiful. So I found an empty side street and parked (ironically enough, it was in the driveway of a massage school... go figure!). I got out of my car and sat on top of the trunk. (Is there a name for the back part of a car??) I thanked (God? the universe??) for my life and all the good stuff in it. In return, I got a nice little shooting star. It was very peaceful and affirming.

It's also nice to be busy again. Work's good- on and off busy, with conferences out the wazoo! Tutoring & class started this week, and community band starts in less than two weeks.

Also, it seems my friends and family are getting new beginnings as well! My friend, Andrew, FINALLY got a job as a school counselor!! I'm helping him move this weekend (which, incidentally, also encompasses his birthday), and then he starts next week! My sister, Sarah, FINALLY booked a ticket to England to begin her graduate studies in theatre production. While her thing isn't quite 100% yet, it's getting there. I'm PSYCHED for Andrew & Sarah... seems their times of waiting are over!! Yay for new beginnings! :)

Hokay, that's about it for now. Life is good!

Lately

Wow... I was listening to my Alanis Morisette CD at work (Jagged Little Pill- old school!), and I for the first time EVER heard the hidden track "Your House." Holy crap! It's tragic and beautiful AND a capella... gorgeous!

Here are the lyrics (they're a mix of various sites' lyrics; I had to correct some):

I went to your house
Walked up the stairs
Opened your door without ringing the bell
Walked down the hall
Into your room where I could smell you

And I shouldn't be here
Without permission
Shouldn't be here...

Would you forgive me, love, if I dance in your shower?
Would you forgive me, love, if I laid in your bed?
Would you forgive me, love, if I stay all afternoon?

I took off my clothes
Put on your robe
Went through your drawers
And I found your cologne
Went down to the den
Found your CDs
And I played your Joni

And I shouldn't stay long
You might be home soon
Shouldn't stay long...

Would you forgive me, love, if I danced in your shower?
Would you forgive me, love, if I laid in your bed?
Would you forgive me, love, if I stay all afternoon?

I burned your incense
I ran a bath
I noticed a letter that sat on your desk
It said: "Hello, love.
I love you so, love.
Meet me at midnight."

And no, it wasn't my writing
I'd better go soon
It wasn't my writing

So forgive me, love, if I cry in your shower
So forgive me, love, for the salt in your bed
So forgive me, love, if I cry all afternoon

[fin.]

Wow.

On another note, I attended my final smoking cessation class last night. Sigh. I'll miss it quite a bit; I learned SO much each time! Last night's quote of the evening:

"Triggers are tough, man... triggers are tough." -Lila*

(*Name has been changed. "Lila" is trying very hard to quit smoking, and has already cut down to about half of what she's accustomed to smoking.)

That's about it for the time being... Life gets busy now: community band on Monday nights, tutoring on Tuesdays and Thursdays, class on Wednesday nights, and tutoring again on Saturdays for 4 hours. Work's also picking up (thank goodness!!), so that's good news. A busyMb is a happyMb.

Ciao for now!

On addiction and nostalgia

First, I'm rockin' a pretty new caffeine addiction. This morning, after mooching some of my roommie's coffee (he usually makes enough for both of us, but didn't today for some reason), I headed into work. After setting my stuff down on my desk, I immediately went to the breakroom to see if there was any extra coffee... Oh, there was. I instantly filled the rest of my travel mug, and was set for the day! However, the upside (right now) is that I am doing quite well with 6-7 hours of sleep at night, provided I have my daily caffeine fix. (And I'm drinking about a cup a day, so it's not bad... yet.)

As far as nostalgia goes, well, I'm really good at letting it affect my mood frequently. I tend to dwell on relationships and situations of old (I think I'd mentioned this in a previous entry), and yesterday was no exception. I went to my old "haunt," the area where I lived and taught the past year. SO weird!! I had dinner with my friends (former coworkers of mine), and we had a blast. We then went over to the elementary school's open house... it was like "The Twilight Zone" for me!! Within 5 minutes of arriving, I saw one of my (secret favorite) former students. He came running up to me, excited! (He's a very masculine little kid, so I'm always awed when he shows a great deal of emotion.) I got a huge hug and a card he wrote out for me. SO awesome! All in all, I saw 11 of my former students, and we were all psyched to see each other. I served punch & cookies as well -alone, mostly- and a lot of shocked parents came to say hello. It was a nice evening, though I couldn't help but leave with some pangs of sadness. I assured the kids and the current staff that I'll be back to visit. In fact, the woman who now teaches in my room (who's awesome!) wants me to come in and do a lesson with her class. Schweet.

I've come up with an analogy for my nostalgia... I'm driving (down the road of life, perhaps?) and, due to drivers' training, I'm accustomed to checking my rearview mirror frequently. I notice cars and a distorted reality behind me constantly, and am mostly aware of what's going on in front of me. There are signs along the way that warn and provide information/advice, though I neglect some of them. At one point, I'm so distracted by the traffic behind me that I can't stop looking in the rearview, fascinated. However, I don't notice the cars ahead of me that have come to an abrupt halt. You can guess what happens: a nasty crash from focusing on what's behind me. There. Analogy complete. :)

Ok, that's about it for now. Have a great weekend, readers! :)

Late-night thoughts...

... So I'm a bit peeved and sad.

I saw "Superbad" and "The Invasion" this past weekend, on separate occasions. "Superbad" was just that... super bad. It was mostly awful. It completely condoned the teenage pursuit of alcohol and ass. This wouldn't be a problem, had I not been working for the health department. I'm constantly bombarded with disturbing stats about teenage pregnancies and the fatalities (and addictions!) that occur because of irresponsible underage drinking. Grrr. Stupid, all of it. And the critics loved it. I was ready to leave the theatre at numerous points. Police officers were VERY crudely portrayed (like they don't get enough crap from the general public), idiocy was rewarded time and again, the profanity obscured the asinine speeches of the mediocre cast... I should stop.

Anyway, I rather enjoyed "The Invasion," which was torn a new one by critics. I actually thought the message portrayed in the film was provocative and well-presented. Just me. The general theme? Is our way of life really worth fighting for? Reminiscent of Stephen King's recent Cell. Interesting messages, at the very least.

Next topic: older women preying on younger men. I'm sick of it. I think it's gross and wrong. On numerous occasions (the most recent case being today), I've seen older (middle-aged), childless women prey on men about half their age. It seems predatory, and I definitely question the motivations of these ladies. I don't have such an issue with older men and younger women, probably because it's deemed more socially acceptable... I dunno. Am I wrong here? Who's to say?

Next: Today, I visited the school where I taught last year... SO weird! I went with 2 other County workers to pitch some of the programs we offer (physical activity and nutrition education). I saw several familiar faces, and was very warmly received. It was an ego boost, for sure. So much so, in fact, that I'll actually be returning tomorrow night for their open house. Love it... can't WAIT to see my former students. I miss them a great deal.

Finally, what's up with me reminiscing about the past? Relationships, jobs, situations all seem better when they're gone. I was in a minifunk today because of the immense nostalgia I experienced for times past. So bizarre.

Anyway, one more funny animal picture, then I'm off to bed!

Eh, pretty accurate.... :)

Some thoughts

So I'm now writing to you, faithful readers, as a new 24-year-old. Of course, I don't feel at all different, and wonder if I ever will. I suppose it's all life-stage stuff (e.g., high school, college, real world, marriage, etc.) that makes one seasoned, not age itself.

Yesterday for my b-day, I came into work (a bit late- oops) to find a stapler on the middle of my desk. In Jell-O. It was awesome. If that means nothing to you, you clearly don't watch "The Office," the best series on TV! Here's how it was done on the show:



I took pictures also with my camera, so I'll upload my coworker's rendition when I get the chance. Sheer hilarity! The whole thing definitely made my day start on the right note. (Update: 8.20.07: Here is a photo of *my* Jell-Oed stapler!!)



The rest of the b-day was mellow... Got flowers from the fam & the new man, then I had a splitting headache for 4 hours. Go figure. Perhaps it's due to my new caffeine consumption... My roommate makes enough coffee in the morning for me to have a cup, so I've been partaking. Yesterday, I did not. I then had the excruciating headache. Related? I hope not, but just to be on the safe side, I had a cup this morning. No headache yet.

I'm feeling a little out-of-place at work today. The past few days, it kind of feels like my coworker (of the Jell-O/stapler fame) and my boss have ben taking some digs at me. I mean, it's all in good humor, and I throw it right back, but I'm wondering if my boss actually *likes* me or not. I've been backing off on the grammatical correcting, I've been trying to keep my oddball comments & ideas to myself... I dunno. I'm sure it'll pass, but I kind of feel out of the loop at the moment.

Interestingly enough (and I may have mentioned this), I'm missing being in the classroom. Well, having my own classroom. It's weird, because I was sooooo miserable teaching last year! And it is kind of nice to not have to go back to that whole thing right now, but we'll see. Sigh.

In other news, it seems many states & countries are having trouble deciding what to do about underage drinking. New Zealand dropped their drinking age from 20 to 18; the UK is considering raising their age from 18 to 21. New Hampshire is trying to crack down on its underage laws, with disputed success. I've attended some conferences here in Arizona, where we're starting to seriously address the problem of underage drinking. Honestly, I've got mixed feelings about it; I certainly drank underage in my college years, though I understand that alcohol (and any drug) can certainly be a reason for national concern.

Anyway, that's about it for now. In an hour, I'm off to tutor training for the community college! :) I start tutoring in less than two weeks, and I'm psyched! Yay for (a little) extra money and intellectual stimulation! Yay for getting my foot in the door to be an adjunct faculty member! :) Ciao for now, world.

"Dear John"

"Dear Nic,

I'm writing you a letter that I may never send. You see, I can't have any contact with you right now. When I said goodbye, I meant it. But there are times when the thought of you is overwhelming. And so I think it will help for me to be completely honest with myself.

I must confess that I became dependent on you. I believed that I could not bear to feel my loneliness. Instead, I always turned to you. And with you around, I never did anything about it. I didn't bother to reach out to others, to develop more healthy relationships. I got wrapped up in my own little world, just you and me and my fantasies that things would get better some day.

But the truth is, things didn't get better, because I lost touch with my real feelings. I had nothing to motivate me.

You seemed to satisfy all of my desires.

Now I realize that I gave away my power to you. I convinced myself that you held the solution to all of my problems. In fact, I went into denial. My perceptions of reality became distorted. I confused quenching the uncomfortable feelings with actually dealing with the source of them and taking action on my own behalf.

I am taking this power back now. I am learning how to accept my feelings. I am learning how to face reality without you.

And I see you for what you really are. A false friend. One who would take my very life force away from me. One who will abandon me in the end, no matter how long I try to hang on to you. It's a harsh thing to say, but that is not nearly as harsh as the toll you have taken on my health.

I am glad to finally feel the anger that I used to suppress about our relationship. I've been through the terror of losing you and the agonies of withdrawal and I'm stronger for it. I've accepted that I might have moments of confusion and self-doubt, and learned that they don't mean that I have to go back to you.

Now that I've finally gotten you out of my system, I have a choice. And I exercise that choice with pride and reverence. I never want to take my freedom for granted. So, like the song says:

Go, walk out the door
Just turn around now,
'Cause you're not welcome anymore...
I will survive!"

=====

This letter is from a former smoker to her "false friend," Nic(otine). I think it's very well-written, and definitely drives certain points home.

I attended my first ever smoking cessation class last night, and it was awesome! :) The facilitator is a hypnotherapist, and is absolutely fantastic. A non-smoker herself, she was able to convince the class that she was, in fact, a good person to teach the class. (This is her fourth year conducting the group, and she's helped smokers in her practice for about 20 years now.)

A total of 19 smokers showed up last night, and it was fascinating. While the first night is just paperwork and introductions, it provided me great insight into these people's experiences. When I was younger, I used to think that smokers were "bad" people because their "selfishness" hurt those around them. Now I see that that's not the case. These are normal, everyday people who happened to make a few bad choices and now are battling an addiction.

During the introduction, everyone was to say his/her name, how long s/he had been smoking (and how much is smoked per day), potential barriers to quitting, reason(s) to quit, and his/her motivation (on a scale of 1-10) to quit. Of the 19 people, 5 were at a "10" for their dedication to quit. There were 13 females and 6 males altogether. Almost all of them had been smoking for about 30 years. (The two exceptions were two gals under 35. One started smoking in high school, and the other when she was 12.)

Reasons to quit were numerous, but there were some popular answers... diseases/illness/doctor mandate, smell on clothes, expense, lack of social acceptance, lack of community of smokers, feeling helpless, having children, other problems exacerbated by smoking, new smokefree laws, and so forth.

The most popular potential roadblocks to quitting were: stress, mornings (especially when first getting out of bed), coffee, alcohol, and the nighttime ritual of smoking.

A lot of people said they don't even *like* smoking anymore; they do it sheerly out of habit/addiction. It was really fascinating, and I'm excited to attend the next classes.

When we went around introducing ourselves, I had to "out" myself as a non-smoker. I explained that I work for the Health Department, and I was there to learn the ropes from the current facilitator. I said (honestly) that I wished I *had* been a smoker at one point, just so I could know what these people were enduring.

At the end of the class, I had a dialogue with the woman sitting next to me. She's on her 3rd attempt to quit (which is really common; few people are able to stay quit their first time). She said that she had joined the Navy and was given cigarettes continuously, for free, from the Service. Additionally, I learned, smokers were often given breaks, where non-smokers weren't. It seems our lovely military must've cut some sort of deal with Big Tobacco to addict servicepeople by the hundreds. It worked.

Anyway, I'm just astounded at what I've learned. I'm just now starting to understand the true nature of addiction. Seeing it firsthand (but not personally) sure helps!

In the world today...

So I've been reading up on the news today!! Holy awareness, Batman! Here are some things I found particularly interesting:

1.) How to act with Iraqis while in their land

2.) As cigarette taxes increase, smoking rates drop!

3.) Texas will most likely hit 400 death row executions (since 1984) this month.

4.) Chinese toy company CEO hangs himself after recall of nearly 1,000,000 toys.

5.) A BLIND drunk driver is caught... again.

6.) A patient bleeds green blood!


Madness! My sources for the day: npr.org, jointogether.org, reuters.com, cnn.com, and bbc.co.uk :)

Test your knowledge!!

So I'm (slowly) trying to learn all the countries of the world. (And by the time I'm done, I'm sure 3-4 names will have been changed!) I've found a cool site (www.enchantedlearning.com) where you can do printable, fill-in-the-blank maps. Let's try Africa today, shall we? See how many countries you can name:



Hard, eh? On my first try, I was able to name 2. Two. I can now name about 6. I figure, hey, that's a huge increase! I'll get there. Someday.

Now, if you still need help, see the bottom of this entry for the first letters. Later on, if you're nice, I'll post the answers in full. Or you can find them on your own... up to you!

In other news, life is good... I turn 24 on Wednesday, oh joy, oh rapture. I'm not all that excited about it, though I think 25 will be cool. Then I'll stop aging altogether.

What else? Um, lately, I've had pangs of ... I'm not sure what... about teaching. I kind of miss it, but I remember how miserable I was while actually teaching. Oh, sigh. But I do miss those really good days... Suppose I should go back and read my own blog about it to recall how reality was.

Ok... let's see if there's enough space now to post the pic of the Africa map with hints...



Oh, and you want the full answer key? Go here to check it out. There, I was nice.

Hmm... I think that's about it for the time being. Overall, life is good, so I definitely can't complain! :)

A bit better now...

... So work picked up a bit today. I'm getting certified as a cessation treatment specialist to help people quit smoking! :) It's really fascinating stuff, and it involves a lot of psychology. I'm gonna have to hit up my more psychologcially-inclined friends now, it seems. I'm doing the online portion of the training now, and eventually I'll get the face-to-face training as well. Also, I'll be attending another lady's cessation classes on Monday nights. Should be fun!

Just an update that things are better today. That's usually the case... if you have a rotten day, just get to bed as early as possible, then make the next day a good one! :)

What I know for sure...

This title was taken from Oprah's "last word" at the end of each of her magazines. I was thinking about what I *do* know for sure, and it doesn't seem to be very much.

Are all the things I hold to be truths actually so? Am I deluding myself more often than I'd like to believe? How, exactly, does one determine what is true and what is not? Where do scientists and analysts get their data, and how reliable is it?

In undergrad, I had the dubious honor of writing a thesis (complete with a study and all that). For this, I had to read a LOT of research. Hundreds of articles, actually. From all that reading, I learned that the more I read/"learn," the more I see how much I don't know. That is to say, I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

It is made very clear in late childhood/mid-adolescence that some so-called truths (e.g., the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Santa, and so forth) are, of course, lies. Where does it stop? Are we as a human race so fixed on the idea of someone "judging" us so we don't have to do it for ourselves? Is it easier to believe in magic than to accept only what we can directly observe? (Gosh, I feel like Carrie on "Sex & the City," inquiring about things I can never really answer.)

What I did learn, though, is that I should not solicit comments on my blog. First, I got no relevant comments (just a repeated one in Portugese that doesn't even pertain to the topic I had presented), and second, this blog should be for my own gratification, really. Readers, if there is a pressing issue or comment you'd like to make, I encourage you to feel free to do so on this site. However, I will no longer go searching for your thoughts. So that's that.

I've been watching Penn & Teller's "Bullshit" series (one) on DVD. It's interesting stuff. The premise is that they go around and "de-bunk" ideas/beliefs held by some of the general population. (In particular, they've gone after self-proclaimed mediums/psychics, alien "abductees," and so forth). However, the whole program has made me wonder where statistics come from. Working for the health department, I have facts and figures thrown at me all the time. Of course, the purpose of the stats I see is to persuade others to adopt a healthy lifestyle, but I just can't help but question the validity of these numbers.

Also, as my last week as a 23-year-old, I'm questioning what, exactly, I want from life. Is the whole get-married-have-kids thing little more than a ploy to produce more consumers, or is it more pure than that? Do I want to stay in traditional female roles (esp. working far below the earning potential of men with my education), or do I want to "step up" to a higher position? Should I venture into the corporate world, uncertain of my true motivations, or stick with helping people while making a modest salary? What kind of impact do I want to have on the world, and how can I do it? What should I strive for while I'm alive? What do I need to be fulfilled?

Sorry. I suppose I'm merely at a quarter-life crisis in my life, and I'm confident it will pass. Eventually. Then it'll be midlife crisis time! :)

For now, I shall complete my day of "work" (which, today, is consisting of killing time before heading home). I actually *miss* teaching. I felt that, although I was drained physically and emotionally, I was at least making a difference. I can't really say the same at my current job. Grass is always greener, eh?

(Oh, and as an aside, I didn't mean for this entry to end on such a seemingly negative note... I just am trying to sort things out, and I often find that that's easier to do when I have something written upon which to reflect. Fear not, kind reader; I'm still generally happy and fulfilled with life. It's just a time to question the status quo and whatnot. Peace!)