A bout with optimism...

So I can't help but think today that maybe things aren't quite so bad. I know. Weird. I, who had been becoming an increasing pessimist, say that. I realize the economy's bad. The upcoming election may prove more heartbreaking than the last two. The empire of the United States is quickly crumbling. Crime and racism are still rampant. Poverty envelopes much of the world. Ignorance and discrimination are abundant. Yet... I can't help but feel optimistic.

I'm not really sure what's brought on this surge of hope. Perhaps it's the BBC series that I'm lately addicted to: “Planet Earth.” Perhaps it's the good friends I've surrounded myself with lately. Perhaps it's the regular running I've been doing... I'm not really sure. What I do know, though, is that I'm feeling better these days. Maybe I shouldn't question it.

So what now? Now, I suppose, I run with it. Make the best of my time here. Become an effective and happy educator. Work within a system that discourages education and independence. Find a way to establish myself, alone, devoid of extraneous and unnecessary titles and affiliations. Be me.

And sure, I'm a bit lonely in the lack of presence of a worthwhile male. The barrage of dates I've been on lately has done anything but assuage my need for companionship. In fact, it's exacerbated my perceived loneliness. However, I've been thinking that I should resign myself to not meeting “him” (or her??) until I'm 27. That gives me two years to stop trying so hard to settle down. Two years to work on myself and become – fully- who I want to be.

I know I've got an uncommon heart. (Incidentally, this Open Office version of Word has the predicted text capability enabled... when I was typing “uncommon heart,” it tried to expand heart to heartbreaking. Interesting.) I know I can be phenomenal at whatever I choose. For so long, I've been looking for the next thing: the next boyfriend, the next job, the next place to live. And now, I think, I'm gonna work at bettering my current situation. It's so easy to run, but the challenge of staying may prove worthwhile.

Who knows? Maybe my career in education isn't all for naught. Perhaps this is just the beginning. Sometimes, I can't help but feel I'm destined for great things, should I choose them. I think I'm of above-average intelligence (no super genius, unfortunately), but that my interest and passion can make up for my lack of Einstein-like algorithms. I think with the drive and courage that I possess, I may yet be able to make my life worth living.

And in my “old age” of 25, I'm starting to see things differently. I'm caring less what people think about me and more what I think about me. I'm becoming more honest (if harshly so), and it's incredibly revitalizing. I've been able to tell several gentleman that I am not interested in them. Painful, perhaps, but honest. And I'm trying to take honesty and criticisms better. I fully acknowledge that I am far from perfect. Yes, I am very well aware of that. BUT I do have the redeeming quality of the desire to better my life and (to a degree) the lives of those around me.

As for the future... I think I need to relax. A friend in college, after a lengthy IM, put it best when he said, “I think you just need to chill out.” Bingo. That's exactly it. Well, partially. I want to chill out about certain things (e.g., traffic, my neverending to-do list, etc.), but I don't want to relax about others. Some battles are worth fighting (e.g., poverty, intolerance, injustice, illiteracy, etc.).

The upcoming election may be part of the source of my optimism as well. Obama's message of hope is catchy. It's inspiring to a degree. I realize that hope can be dangerous (when you're horribly let down), but I think it's also part of what makes us human. Without hope... well, what are we? And back to the election, it's crazy to think that in 2 days, we'll likely know who our next president will be. Right now, at 3:14pm on Sunday, the 2nd of November, I have no idea who will lead our country next year. I dearly hope it's not McCain, but I'm nervous. What will happen to the U.S. If we get another republican in office? Are we then completely doomed? Up until recently, my exit strategy in the case of McCain's win had been to join the Peace Corps and leave this God-forsaken place. However, and I am reminded of 4 years ago, it is easy to run away. Every country has its problems, and the United States is (obviously) no exception. What happens if I just decide to stay? To not give up? To keep on going, even when the odds are stacked against me?

There was something I know now that I wish I had known in high school: I am stronger than I think. Today, a bit sick (cough, sore throat, etc.), I decided to keep on training for a 10k I'm running next week. I ran 6.25 miles and felt pretty decent afterwards. Around mile 3 in the run, though, I started getting those negative thoughts in my head.

“I can't do this,” I'd thought. “My lungs burn. I'm getting sick. I could just stop and walk the rest of it. I'm getting dehydrated. It's hot out.” ... ad nauseum.

In high school when I got those thoughts, I'd stop running and give in. I slowed down or just flat-out quit many a run during track and cross country seasons. As much as I love my mom, she taught me the fine art of quitting something I didn't immediately like. (And of course, this has proven both helpful and harmful.)

But now, at 25, I decided to go past those thoughts. I kept going, as I have for the past 6 months or so. When I get those negative ideas, I just keep going. Sometimes I have to do a sort of triage approach. (“Just one more lamppost,” or “just 2 more minutes, then you can stop.”) I'll trick myself into keeping going. And then, before I know it, I don't want to stop.

Mile 4 was easy. It felt good, and I was happy to trot along to my music. Mile 5 got difficult again. I got tired (since I usually train not more than 5 miles at present). But I was past the point of no return; I had but 1.25 miles to go, and I wasn't about to stop. So I broke down the run with the help of my Nike+. I waited for the “15 minutes to go,” then “10 minutes,” and so forth. The run is MUCH easier when broken into 5-minute increments.

At the end of the run, it was once again reinforced that yes, I CAN do these things that I decide to do. I can be a runner. I can teach. I can be a responsible and active person. I just wish I'd realized all this 10 years earlier...

Just a few moments ago, there was a young (20s??) guy sitting next to me. I didn't talk to him, but about 50% of the time I would've. He was waiting for his mom for a relaxing chat. His mother finally joined him, and they sat there for a bit, reading, drinking coffee, chatting. I felt a pang of sadness; I miss my own mom! As happy as I am with the lovely weather right now (about 78 in the shade in November), I miss my family. I'd love nothing more sometimes than to just call up my parents or sisters and say, “Hey, let's get some coffee,” or “Hey, let's go see that new movie.” Oh, that I could reconcile weather and family. Unfortunately for the latter, I have no desire to move back to Ohio. It's hard to be gloomy when every day is sunny and warm. I'm wearing a t-shirt and shorts in November, and I'm comfortable (even a little warm)! This is why I moved here. That, and the amazing scenery all around. I love Arizona, I really do. I just wish I could move all my family and good friends here. That would be what heaven would be like, I think.

Which brings me to my next topic: God, or lack thereof...
So I'm still unsure of where I stand on the whole God thing. Maybe I always will be unsure, and that's just fine with me. I can certainly see the appeal of believing in a deity. It's gotta be reassuring to know that somewhere, someone is watching out for you. However, empirical evidence doesn't seem to support such a benevolent being. And really, what's so wrong about there not being a god? No judgment, nothing deeper than what is. Maybe the simpler explanation here is right. Who am I to say?

In my younger years, I believed (or wanted to believe) in God very much. I went to church, I prayed every night, I'd thank God for my fortunes and ask for help in more difficult times. Though I still pray, it feels hollow and pointless. Half the time, I fall asleep, hands folded, before I ever finish my prayers. However, I'm not to the point of strict atheism yet. I'm not totally sold either way. I'm in agnostic limbo, and that's my preference for the time being. Science is no substitute for God, nor God for science. I think there may be truth in both, and I don't think they're irreconcilable. What I mean is: why can't evolution exist alongside the teachings of the Bible? If we don't take the Bible quite so literally, can't “one day” really be a millennium, so the world was created in 7 millennia, not days? Who knows?

Probably the most appealing aspect of religion/faith is the promise of everlasting life. That, if you are a decent person (or an evil person who eventually repents), there is a place for you in heaven. Guaranteed. Who wouldn't want that? Admittedly, I struggle with death from time to time. It's kind of terrifying to think that, one day, I will completely cease to exist. That's it. No more. No matter how much energy I have... no matter how many thoughts and aspirations... no matter how much I love or hope or do... it'll all end. And if there is nothing after death, that's it. We all meet the same fate. If that's the truth, what's the point of morality? What, really, is the point of anything? That certainly is a hard idea to swallow (for me, at least). I guess on the flipside, though, immortality is terrifying to me as well. To NEVER cease to exist? To go on and on and on with no end, ever? Yeah, that's scary, too. Surely there is some happy medium somewhere in there. But I suppose that's not for me to know right now.

All right, I am off to finish lesson planning for tomorrow, since I'm fresh and inspired. The day is lovely here in Phoenix, Arizona. I will enjoy the rest of my day, and I hope you will, too. Cheers.